Alone by my side.

 I've always been alone, 

Growing up I was always told I talked TOO MUCH. 

I remember walking my dog sunny in the park by my side thinking how .. HOW could I stop talking so much .. I didn't know how so I was told I should talk in my head or write ... so I did I've kept a journal since I was 8. 

I began talking less and less and began to do more and more what others did, I wanted to be likable ... so I began to talk less about what I thought and more of what others might want to hear. 

Somewhere between 15- and 18 I began to talk too much aging and felt alone, I noticed the more I wanted to make friends the more people pulled away. 

College was so hard I lived alone with my older sister who was going through her own demons. I was alone aging with my thoughts in my head so I decided to focus. 

My thoughts became ideas they became goals, and soon my. goal was to experience the world alone with myself. 

I had two toxic relationships when I was in college both ended up in physical and both ripped me from my words, thoughts and ideas. 

I recovered and knew aging I needed to go .. 

I moved more than 2,831 miles from home and slept on mattress in a basement that had no lock and the room smelled like dog pee. 

I was alone, aging. 

I met guy who was a fireman, who had black scars of his own, we moved in it was perfect, 

too perfect . 

by then I was 22 I had been the only one in my promotion in collage to obtain our certification I had been the only one not to pay an internship but obtain it alone, no help. 

I was ready to eat the world and fell .. 

I fell hard the world stopped around me the lies wore so gray that I saw only white or black. 

I discovered anxiety panic attacks rashes. 

I discovered that in real life when you walk into what once was your "home" and see her laying in his arms you don't cry you don't scream. 

I discovered numbness. 

I discovered the words my dad taught me were true. 

"Never let a man know how much you feel because he will take it and use it."

I felt used , I didn't feel betrayed 

I felt wasted, my time , my illusion. 

I felt that I wasted my only chance at a first time. 

The trip to ikea , the picking new furniture the discusion over what type of bathroom curtain. 

I felt like I lost a mother in law , who had opened her heart and ears to my tears when mine was too far.

I don't regret loosing the fireman guy, I defiantly dodged a bullet. He most defiantly does not deserve to be with anyone who has a living heart beat. 

But does it stay it does. 

I am now 26, engaged moved to a sunnier state live 5 minutes from the beach, my kitchen has a white marble counter tops .. im okay . 

I have career, in a big name corp. 

Im in love. 

But sometimes in pretending to forget I feel alone by my side.

And its a battle I have to fight alone.